I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you had me at cake vodka
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
