I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
