my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
