I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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