I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
