When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
