Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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