What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize