I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
