what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
