No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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