Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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