Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
