I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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