dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
