How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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