If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize