I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
