What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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