At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
