Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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