White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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