i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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