Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I enjoy the company of your penis
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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