He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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