Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
