My first STD was from a foam party
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
