Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
