if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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