I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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