Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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