I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
