I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
