my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
