Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
