what day is it and did you see me today?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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