I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize