he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
