I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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