ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
