You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
