Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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