turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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