I am midnight drunk by noon
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
