Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
