Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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