I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Damn victory sex feels great
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
