My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she told me i tasted like america
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
