Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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