If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
