My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize