its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Someone signed my nipple.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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