My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
