i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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