Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
